The Hidden Diary of Bin Laden and God

Part One: The Hidden Diary of Bin Laden and God
Bin Laden died, and God stood in front of him, he said,
“Allah, the most High,” and Bin said, “Sir, it is I who has wished to serve you,” and Allah said, “Oh, I thought you thought it was the other way around, sorry for the mistake, how the heck you been, from what I’ve seen you’ve been quite busy?”
A little bashful, Bin says, “Doing your work God isn’t easy you know,” and God answers, “But it helps, I mean, I can’t do it all myself, now can I?” Bin thought about that for a moment, figured he’d leave that alone, it was a hard question (a loaded one perhaps), then commented in passing, “Is Muhammad around?”

“I can have him at your command, what is your wish?”
Said Bin in a sheepish way, “I wanted him to comment
on the good job I’ve been doing down yonder way…”

Then all of a sudden, in the clap of an eye, Muhammad showed up, he was smiling, and Bin and He met eye to eye (I think they thought alike, and liked each other, you know, clicked), said Muhammad in a random echoing voice,

“I see you are carrying out my good works, I mean, killing as many infidels as possible: hee, hee,” he said adding, “I killed more folks than you, perhaps we can talk to the big guy, and see if you can go back down yonder, and catch up to me, I mean, you did well, but blood is blood, and Allah, likes all he can have, you know: in the name of God, we can do it, do it together, me from up here, and you down there.”

“Do you think another 9/11 will do the trick?” Mohammed looked at Bin, smiled, and behind him was God, who was looking up in the sky as if he didn’t hear a thing, but he was smiling nonetheless, said Muhammad,

“Yes, that might satisfy the big guy, but how about a bigger bang for the buck, you know, we’ll supply the oil revenue through Iran or Syria, God has a few friends left there (the PLO and Hama’s gorillas can assist), and we can get a few more jets to line up, and a few more Arabs to give up their lives for the holy honor of sticking it to America and perhaps Europe, and why not add a few of our enemies in the Middle East that have been a bit cheap lately with their revenues.”

And so it was, Bin was given a second chance to make good, and I think he is almost ready….

1/20/2007 Humor


Part Two: The Hidden Diary of Bin Laden and God (Bagdad)

Bin: “Not sure if I like it down here, it’s getting a little hairy…especially Bagdad.”

Muhammad: “Harry is a Midwestern term, an infidels way of saying, ‘bad’, and we don’t use that word, ok Bin, I mean, I thought we saw eye to eye, I’m wondering?”

Bin: “Sorry, old fellow, too much of that cave TV carp, you know, Americanism, it’s everywhere.”

God listening: “You can say that again.”

Muhammad: “Yup, the big guy is watching, wants to make sure you do it right this time.”

Bin: “That’s kind of an insult, I mean, he’s had forever to do his thing, and I did more in one day to the Americans than he has in 200-years, what’s his beef?”

Muhammad: “Be careful he’s listening.”

God talking: “What’d you say, he says?”

Bin: “Is he pretending, I thought he could hear everything?”

Muhammad: “Move out of the sun, he gets a better echo from your voice in the shade.”

Bin: “Echo?”

Muhammad: “You’ve got a lot to learn, things are not exactly as you figured they’d be. In any case, God is waiting for your plans, what are they?

Bin: “What are they, I’ve only been here a few minutes, I’m not God, give me a few days to figure this out. I mean by all purposes, I should be in that damn tent with all the girls he promised for my good works, and some vino…you know, but here I am, in this mud trap going to do my duty again, for God and you, I mean, this is a hardship tour. I got to show these folks Allah raised me from the dead, like he did Christ, and perhaps they will follow me like before to their graves; I just need time to brainwash a few, and the rest will come. It is easy to fool the masses, I have a hard time with fooling the few though, and that is where I’ve got to start.”

God looking down: “So be it.”

Bin to Muhammad: “Is that all he’s got so say, ‘So be it.’ No question mark, not even a statement.”

Muhammad: “Who is to know God in his never-ending glory, he speaks, and we lesser beings try like the dickens to figure out his every motive and move, but we are but grasshoppers to him.”
Bin: “I’m getting the feeling I’m being used by him a bit, I think I want to be in that damn tent, it beats running around these tunnels and caves. I mean it is my turn.”

Muhammad: “Stop belly aching, and get down to business, we got a schedule to meet, I think. God has a lot of hope for you. And to be honest about the matter, vino in heaven is forbidden, we are you know, in no need of such things.”

Bin: “But here I’ve heard, and told everyone, and I think somewhere along the line, read, we’d have vino; I’m kind of
hooked on it now, how about telling God to modify that rule?”
Muhammad: “If you drink it in heaven, you’d get no effect from it; just being in heaven is enough of an effect to satisfy you.”

Bin: “Then why did he promise girls and booze?”

Muhammad: “You got to read between the lines; he meant you will get drunk and high off his heavenly environment.”

Bin: “Well now you tell me, perhaps I better get some down here before I go back up there.”

Muhammad: “Remember you are killing for God, not suppose to be whoring around with girls and vino for yourself. What kind of hero do you want people to think you are?”

Bin went to say something else, and in the clap of an eye he was gone, I think a little agitated at Bin, thus, here he was in the Middle of Bagdad, naked as a horse, trying to figure out which way was which…!
Part Three: The Hidden Diary of Bin Laden and God (The Passerby)

Bin thinking: ‘Oh, Lord look at this mess, Bagdad is worse than I thought, I should have told Allah, I’d prefer Afghanistan, you know, my home away from home, here they are shooting up the place.’

(He looks up and sees rockets coming in every which way, like cats and dogs raining from the sky).

‘This is not my cup of tea (he adds), got to find some shields, some good Egyptians or those folks from Jordon will do.’

A Passerby: “Hay mister you look somewhat like that Laden guy, you know… (he hesitates to think of his first name, continues and says:), Laden, laden…!”

Bin Laden comments: “His first name idiot is Bin, Bin you got it?”

The Passerby: “Man, don’t get so uptight, he’s dead and gone, we’ve forgotten his brow long ago…brother!”

Bin: “What do you mean, forgot!”

The Passerby: “Dead is dead man, in Bagdad you get a lot of it, where you’ve been man, I mean, homey?”

Bin: “I’ve only been gone a few hours, or is it days, whatever, I mean whatever!”

The Passerby: “That’s not allowed if you’re a true infidel fighter like us here.”

Bin: “What is not allowed?”

The Passerby: “Saying ‘whatever,’ like those young punks in America…you got it— Laden look alike?”

Bin: “I’m not a look alike, I am the real thing, Bin Laden in the flesh.”

The Passerby: “I don’t think soooo…but if, then you should know better; plus playing Bin Laden is worse than playing Elvis, I suppose you’ll be playing him next?”

Bin: “I’m for real man, not like those Elvis imitators, I’m the real thing.”

The Passerby: “You’re the only thing naked around here; you should find some cloths (thinking he might have been hit by a flying piece of debris), you that poor brother? I mean, just go down to the Army surplus store, USA, style, and tell them you’re on there side, get the goodies, and run back here like hell, and I’ll find you a gun or two and we can kill some infidel for the almighty Allah, and if we get killed we can go to heaven have vino and girls all over the place, I’m kind of looking forward to that.”

Bin: “Homey, the last part of your scenario, is full of it, there is no such glory in heaven as in having vino and girls.”

The Passerby: “How do you know? Now I know you’re a spy, only spies say such things, they want to take all the goodies, like those damn Americans, they got enough over yonder, and I got to suffer here in Bagdad, and you tell me there is no such thing…what’s a man to do for a freebee?”

All of a sudden rocks hit a few feet away from the passerby, Bin looks this way and that way, every-which- way, and quickly moves to a safer area, under a nearby bridge. The Passerby is hit with scraps of metal, one deep in his side, and is begging for Bin to come back and help him.

The Passerby: “Come back please, please Bin and help me.”

Bin: “Sure, sure,” he hollers, “now you believe me call me Bin when you want something, sure, sure, like Saddam, you guys are all alike, when it come down to life and limb, you’ll say anything.”

The Passerby: “But Bin, I’m a brother Arab, come save me, we can kill more infidels for Allah.”

Bin thinks about this for a moment thinking: Allah might be watching, this is a good moment perhaps to put on a good show, if I save the coward, maybe he’ll send be back to heaven, and get me out of this mess… thus, Bin starts to move to save him…

God: “I see you Bin, you’ve got better things to do, don’t worry about him, I got his number up here, he’s was about do anyhow, a few days here or there doesn’t matter, he killed enough for his pass to the whore house, that really isn’t a whore house as you’ve learned…hee, hee!”


Bin: “Shoots…I mean crap…I mean, it’s a bad day, can’t fool the almighty, what was I thinking about. Sorry fellow, that voice you just heard was the Almighty, he said your number is up, so I can’t do a thing for you. Incidentally, you’ll find out in a moment that little extra goodie package we all thought was waiting for us in yonder is not waiting.”

I can’t describe what he is saying to Bin, but he is giving him the finger in four differed geometrical designs.
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